One More Time

One more time, is what I keep saying, but not in that negative way, more like the way you would say about your favorite roller coaster, let's go "one more time!"  Think about it a minute, as scary and terrifying as the anticipation, the ride can be, you had a blast with every up and down and every twist and turn.  That is life in a nut shell, and you can choose to go through it, screaming and terrified, coming off it with the attitude of I hated it, I hate you, I hate everything, and now you owe me for making me go through it, or you can choose to take it second by second, and at the end say, well that wasn't so bad, bring it!  Then there is that person that just keeps riding and doesn't get off, that you then start to say, with less enthusiasm, oh goody one more time, really? I'll meet you later.  Of course cancer is a very serious thing, and it is very scary to think this thing could take your life, and change your life, but I ask you, WHAT the hell doesn't!!!  It is all a mind set, and it is the mind games that are the toughest to handle and work through.

I had my 4th, and hopefully last surgery Tuesday July 22nd.  And for some reason this one was scaring me me more than any of the others.  I could not put my finger on why, and the only one I truly admitted it to, until now, was Rick.  So for the week that I had to prepare for the surgery, I started the mind prep.  TV, movies, had to all be mindless, and funny, romantic, feel good kind of movies, no news, or drama. (insert stereotypical blond joke here, hahaha) Music had to groove and be up beat ready to dance to, cause I knew it would be awhile before I could dance after surgery.

 I keep struggling with the "one more time" part of my journey.  I keep looking at others who have had to go though what I have (at least that is the way I see it, from my view), and they seem fine.  Why am I still, after a year of chemo, still so weak!  I have the mind set of looking at books and judging them by their cover, and if the cover looks great, then the inside must be great.  God has shown me that not everything, in fact nothing, is as it appears.  No one but the individual themself really knows what is going inside.  In fact as I look at it, no one really knew what was going on in my mind until I tell them.  Know it is true, that those close to you may suspect something, but until you open up and let them know, it is all speculation, case and point, Dexter!

This time I didn't let many people know about my surgery, because the longer I continue on this journey, it makes me think/feel that people just want to scream, "ONE more time, really?"  It is the "really" part, that can mess up your mind.  Really, your still not back to work.  Really your sick again.  Really your tired again.  Really surgery again.  Really, Really Really......Even when that is not true, that is how you start to feel, the longer something continues.

Tuesday came, and off we went again. By the time we headed out I wasn't as scared.  I was more at peace, finding life funny again, and I was looking forward to that wonderful cocktail they give you before surgery! Surgery started about 2:15pm and Rick said I was in there about a little over an hour.  Recovery was where I seem to have issues.  I was there about 2 hours before they even let Rick back.  I was not wanting to wake up, and the pain was excruciating and they were having trouble getting it down lower than a 10.  Plus everything they gave me made me itch horribly all over.  Pain meds have a tendency to do that to me, so I think they should just pump wine into me!  It helps the pain, and I don't itch from it, problem solved! They were able to get the pain down to an 8, and the itching calmed with Benadryl, and I didn't have hives all over, like I did from Morphine at surgery number 1.  So I got them to let me go home, because they said they couldn't give me anymore pain meds.  They had loaded me up!  We got home about 7pm.  This has been a tough one to recover from.  I think some of it has to do with the fact that my body, and immune system has been fighting so long that it is just not able to do it as fast.

So here I am 9 days out of surgery. I have gone from a Mack Truck hitting me to, a bus, to a short bus with padding of course, to being just hit in the side with a baseball bat.  So see, I am improving!  I have even made it out of the house twice, one for a follow up visit with my plastic surgeon, and one to sit at my daughters house and tell her how to arrange her furniture for about 2 hours.  She asked, I did not just tell her what to do, hahahaha!

Providing nothing else goes south, knock on wood, this should be my last surgery.  The part I hate most about surgery, besides the pain, and reaction to pain meds, is not being able to be around my grandson.  No, he can not just come for a visit, because Grandma can not behave. I have trained him that I will hold him whenever he wants, and I can't, so I need to get better fast. I did get one supervised visit, meaning they were all watching for me to cheat.  I did get to have him sit on my lap with his blanky, and bottle.  He just loves that, and so does Gma.  That is the kind of One More Time I will take any day of the week, it will never get old!

Thanks again for all you watching out for me, caring, and praying for me ONE MORE TIME!  Think I'll go pour a glass of wine now.....

Xoxo
Mary

Not Where I Thought I'd Be

How often do we go through life saying that phrase?  I think very often, if not all the time!  And yet, maybe it is a way to get us to "where we thought we'd be"!  June 17, 2013 I finished my last chemo, and was heading into surgery with an attitude of BRING IT, I'VE GOT THIS, not knowing that the next phase in my journey was to teach me humility, and putting your pride aside, and let go, because God's got This!

Let's recap, June 17, 2013 I had my last chemo; July 17, 2013, first surgery, removing my lump, and a couple of Lymph nodes; July 22, 2013, second surgery, to remove all the Lymph nodes under my right arm, because the pathology came back showing cancerous cells in a total of 4 Lymph nodes, so out they all come.  The second surgery was very hard on me, I was not prepared properly mentally, and I was already in a lot of pain, and had drains all over, and still worn out from chemo, and now it hurt to dance!  I was also very scared, it took that long for the fact that I had cancer catch up to me.  So now I was finally catching up mentally to what all had happened SO FAST to me.  One day I was able to do everything, Mom, wife, house cleaner, pool girl, landscaper, Ops Agent extraordinaire, able to lift handicapped people, and push wheelchairs, help throw bags, and strollers onto an airplane, and keep people happy till I closed the aircraft door....I was strong, and better than I was at my prime!  Now I went to having a silent killer in me taunting me, and taking away ALOT, even if we were beating that bastard!

 The second surgery was tough right from the start, my veins have always been small and tough to get at, but with all the other that had happened they were dang near impossible to find, so the nurses had a VERY hard time finding a vein to put my IV in, and then hit nerves, that sent me through the roof! I remember starting to sob, and just continually apologizing for being a big baby!  My nurses were so sweet and kept saying that with all I had been through, I had every right. Not sure I agree, but that was my pride getting in the way.  They got a hold of my Dr. and after a pain killer, and a numbing shot to my wrist, I was able to catch my breath, and composure, and they were able to find a vein without killing me.  Wow, pain killers and then the great "cocktail" before surgery, yes I was flying high! It was here at this point that I realized, I don't got this (Yes, I know that is bad grammar!), but right there at my side was a man who loved me so much, and was willing to pick up all my pieces, and protect me any way that he could.  With tears coming down my face I said to him, "I am so scared", he said "I know, so am I, but we'll get through this".  It was then I knew I didn't always have to be the strong one, and there are people in my life I can trust to be the strong ones.  Humility is tough, you think it is going to make you look weak, when in fact it gives you more strength!  Sometimes it is also that subconsciously we do not trust that anyone can care for us like we can, so I am letting go, and learning to trust.  My husband, my girls, and as you have read in the past, my sister, are amazing people.  They protect me, and watch out for me sometimes to a fault, but I love them.

Remembering those days helps me keep my perspective of what is going on in my life now.  I have been doing, and completed Neuropathy therapy, two days a week since last February 2014. I was also doing Lymphedema physical therapy two, sometimes three days a week.  Plus I still see my Dr. and Surgeons once a month, sometimes more, and I have 3 of those!  I had a third surgery last March 25, 2014, and it was so much easier, still painful, but NOTHING like the first two.  This one I was able to get out of the house for dinner just three days later, not six weeks later, and I was able to drive, but my lifting of course was very restricted for six weeks.

So here I am a year and a half after being diagnosed, and going through treatment, and realizing my life has changed drastically and I am still working on my mind set.  I get tired and worn out  easily, I have had the flu five times since January. I never get the flu!  I have damage to joints and muscles from the chemo, radiation, and the meds I have to take.  I have a problem with my hip that sometimes makes it hard to walk, and stand, that one we are still trying to figure out, but it started just before chemo ended.  My upper body strength is not even close to what it used to be, and I am starting to get used to the fact that some of the 20 lbs I have put on through this is probably going to stay, so now I am trying to figure out how to at least tone it!

I am still not able to go back to work, and I will be having another surgery in August, but I am adjusting to enjoying life right where I am, and to be happy, and find joy in the most unusual of places.  I don't look at people with handicap stickers anymore and say, you look fine what is your problem.  I look fine, but people don't see what is wrong inside my shell.  I even had to ask for a pre-board on a flight I bought last December, and I know by the way the Gate Agent looked at me in Baltimore, they thought I was lying. Oh well, they don't know, but I do, so now, I have no right to make a judgement call on others either!  You can never judge a book by it's cover.  Oh yes, I still do sometimes, and then catch myself and say, "Really, dumb ass, you are going to do that?!"

I have been reading a book called God Never Blinks, by Regina Brett, my sister Julie gave it to me.  It is a book you don't have to read straight through, you can read a chapter put it down and come back to it.  I call it a pondering book, because I read a chapter or two, and ponder it, then read more. It has helped me to keep things in perspective.  They are 50 life lessons, and one of them I like is, "Life Isn't Fair, but It's Still Good", and "Don't Compare Your Life to Others', You have No Idea What Their Journey Is All About".  Those are only a couple of the great chapters in this book.  It is a GREAT book, read it if you get a second, and best of all, it's not preachy, it's just real.

So the I have come to learn how humility is such a strong word, and it is a trait that doesn't make you weak, it makes you approachable, and transparent.  Pride for me is still a battle, but I am learning, and it is ok if I can't do it all alone, or just can't.  I have people in my life that can, and it makes us all stronger!  So as I said in the beginning, this is not where I thought I'd be, and yet it is.  It is a better place than I could have every dreamed of.  And I am seeing some of my dreams come true!  Except for the one about flying the Concord from San Francisco to Paris, that dream was taken away, dang them!

Thanks for continuing to follow me on this journey.  Hopefully one day, I will be able to say, there is nothing left to write, for this journey!  Thank you God for always guiding, even when I kick and pull at the reigns!

Love you all,
Mary

Still Flying to the Light!

Since my last blog update I have been doing, and almost completed 12 weeks of neuropathy treatments for my hands and feet.  I have had a lot of success with my treatments.  In the last week alone I have been able to wear shoes and socks, together!  I have not been able to do that for about 9 months without great pain.  I still can't wear them all day, but at least I am up to about 5 hours!  My hands are also getting better from all the pins and needle pain that the neuropathy causes, and allowing me to be able to do some of the fine motor skills I have really struggled with, like getting the gas cap off my car to put gas in it! 

While I am seeing a lot of improvement, and very excited about it, there is more work to be done.  I think of it as an onion.  No not the stinky parts!  It's like the layers.  You peel one back and there is another.  So we get one thing going good, and move to the next!  Remember in my last blog I had mentioned a lot of bone and joint pain?  Well they switched my cancer medication and that, along with neuropathy treatments, I don't hurt constantly anymore. Now it is just more when I try to push my body to hard, to long.  Remember the days of saying " no pain, no gain"?  Well it just doesn't work that way in this situation. In fact, when I do that I am usually out of commission for a couple of days.  It has, and continues to be the biggest mental game I have ever encountered.  It was only a year and a half ago that I was Wonder Woman, bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan!  It has been tough for me to admit that I just can't do it all, all at once.  God has really taught me to relax and let go of the control....ok that last part He is still working with me on! I am a control freak.  But learning, I am a work in progress!

March 25th, I had my 3rd surgery. They thought they were going to have to go in and replace the implant in my right breast.  When they got in there, they found the implant to be fine, but the tissue around it had become tough from all the lymphatic cording I have had (which had started to grow around the breast and under the armpit again.), due to the radiation treatments.  They were then able to take more tissue out, and move things around.  Basically, more reconstruction, on the reconstruction.  That made me chuckle!  That was almost 2 weeks ago, and I am healing very well. This surgery was not nearly as tough, and painful as the last 2!  As a result of having to go back in, it has kick up the lymphedema again. This time it is more in the bicep, and the trunk area (chest).  So I am heading back to the lymphedema therapy treatments this week.  Those girls are great, they'll get it back under control!

So, as the journey is farther down the road, I am continuing to fly to the light.  Just hoping not to get a big zap when I hit it, like in "Bug Life"!  It is amazing what can happen in a year!  It was just over a year ago, my husband Rick, my sister Julie, and I had a head shaving party, and now we all 3 have hair again!!  I am continued to be humbled by the support, love and care, that all of you give to me, and my family.  It is also fascinating to she how it shows up in the most usually ways.  While it has been a long year and a half, almost, from my cancer diagnoses, it has been over all a good one!  I am still thankful that my God has trusted me with this journey!  Love you all, my cup runneth over!!

and one year later....

Just Because You Beat Cancer, Doesn't Mean the Journey is Over......

It was Oct. 24 that I completed 33 treatments of radiation.  It then meant that it was time to move onto the next step.  This should have been easy.  At least that is what I thought.  I was still in physical therapy for the lymphedema and lymphatic cording I have in my right arm.  The girls at Coral (who are great!), are getting that under control and making it all manageable.  So the first of  November, I went to see my Oncologist who put me on a maintenance pill to keep the breast cancer from returning.  The one they wanted me on, Femara, has side effects of bone and joint pain, they were concerned because I was still having quite a bit of pain with the joint/bone pain, and neuropathy from my chemo treatments.  We decided to give it a try and we'd reevaluate it all in 6 weeks.  The first two weeks went okay, but then I noticed increasing joint pain all over my body.  It got to where stepping up onto a curb, or any step, was very difficult.  I also would go someplace with Rick or my girls and start looking for a place to sit and rest!  I could not believe what was happening, I felt like an 80 year old.  THEN, within a 2 1/2 week period of time I put on 10 pounds!!!  NOW I WAS MAD!!!  I had not changed my diet, and in fact this last year I have been eating very healthy, thanks to the help of my sister.  We knew from the get go that with all the steroids I would have to take with chemo, I'd be putting on weight, and I didn't want to work really hard after to have to get off the excess.  So up to this time I had managed to maintain, and in fact drop a few pounds, just by eating right and walking.  By the time I got back to the 6 week evaluation I was hurting, and having trouble walking much, even across the small  parking lot!  (that was about all I could manage)  They took me off that pill right away.  That was Dec. 11th, and I started a new med Jan. 5th. Now we wait to see how, or if it will affect me.  Hoping no side effects!  While I have had some relief being off the Femara, there are times I kneel down and can't get up without help.  Usually it is my girls that have to help me up, and then it is difficult to get me upright because we are laughing so hard about it! It is comical in a sense, mostly be cause it is so not me.  But if I am out in public and I need to kneel down for something, I will just forget about that! 

I have just this week started a treatment for all the neuropathy in my hands and feet.  The pins and needle pain and numbness sometimes goes all the way to my ankles and wrists.  This makes it sometimes a challenge to walk and makes the fine motor skills in my hands sometimes very limited.  They believe they can put me back together again, just like Humpty Dumpty!!  I actually have very high hopes for this process, and while it is not fun, I am willing!  I go 2 times a week for the next 12 weeks.  During the treatments they give me 3 shots, in each leg, for a total of 6 shots, of a nerve blocker. This allows the nerves to relax and improve blood flow.  I am then hooked up to an Electronic Signal Therapy machine.  The research on this has actually found that this treatment causes the nerves that are dead to get regrowth.  It is an incredible process, and if you're interested in reading more, go to this website, www.pntreatment.com

This journey is not finished, but I am pretty sure I see light at the end of the tunnel.  I am excited to see what that will look like when I reach it, but I know it will be beautiful.  My view of things, even the simple, has changed so much!  I thank God for trusting me with this experience.  He blessed me with so many new friends and experiences!  But the next time I have to take "year plus off" could it be on a beach with room service and a fruity drink in my hand with massages daily???  Just kidding......sort of!!

Love you all!!  

I am Blessed

Since my chemo and two surgeries it has been a game of trying figure out how to live with, and adjust to, different side effects that happen to you from chemo, surgery, and now radiation.  I am going to share with you some of the ones that have happened to me.  Please note that I am not complaining.  I am just letting you into my world and into the journey a lot of cancer patients have to go through and some of them they never talk about.  My only hope in letting you all know this is so that the next time your loved one or friends have been "chosen" to join this club, you will be aware of some of the other struggles they may have, and depending on the individual, may not even tell you about.

Through chemo I, of course, lost my hair, and was very nauseated. Those are the ones that everyone associates with chemo.  I also suffered with a horrible case of acid re-flux on steroids.  It was strong!  Chemo messes up your GI tract really bad.  There were days it was hard to get a deep breath and any movement caused great pain.  One day I went into chemo after being up all night in pain (yes I really am that stubborn) thinking that they'd be putting me into an ambulance and out to the hospital.  My nurse Sherry, helped with calming me to let me know I was going to be ok and what was going on. She also had my doctor come make sure it was acid re-flux. I started eating Tums like candy and within 30 minutes I was getting relief.  I also lost half of my finger nails on both thumbs and one finger.  The other started to recede but didn't come off. Yep, another side effect!  I am still working through the a lot of joint pain, and I have neuropathy in my hands and feet.  Some days it is hard to wear shoes, let alone a sock and shoe. Barefoot, flip-flops, and slippers have become my best friends. 

After chemo I had two surgeries.  The first one was to remove the lump/mass, to take a few of the lymph nodes that were cancerous, and reconstruction of the breasts.  It was about 3 days after my first surgery that I got a call from my breast surgeon telling me that the pathology report came back showing 4 of the nodes they took out showed cancer and they would have to go back in and do a sentinel node dissection.  This was when for the first time I realized I had cancer and I was scared!  Everything had moved so fast from the time I was diagnosed that my head hadn't took time to process it all.  I am blonde, and at that time bald with chemo brain (a real thing!)  So it took me longer!

The second surgery bought about a whole new set of challenges.  I developed lymphatic cording and lymphedema due to the removal of my lymph nodes.  I started going to physical therapy (specializing in lymphedema and cording) 3 times a week.  We had to push the start of radiation due to the fact I could not get my arm above my head and into the arm cuffs.  I have been doing this therapy at least twice a week now and all through radiation.  There has been some great progress due to these great therapists I see.

Radiation began Sept 9, I went everyday, 5 days a week, for 33 treatments, and my last day was Oct. 24.  Radiation is a nasty little creature because you really don't know that anything is really happening.  Then 4-5 days into it (most people 2 weeks), BAM!  you can get a really red "sunburn".  Kind of like when you go to the beach and think you have enough sunscreen on, and then you get back to the hotel room and look like Louie the Lobster!!  Yep, that is what happened.  Then the little blisters pop up their little heads to say hi.  Only I thought they were little pimples!  It was very painful, and for me the mental was harder than the chemo. 

At the three week mark, into my almost 7 weeks of radiation, my right breast was a lovely shade of candy apple red, and some spots so burned, they went to a deep purple color.  The burns stretch under my arm and went clear through to my back and shoulder.  The heat radiates from the inside out, and that can be a tad painful. During this time I had to have a follow up visit with my plastic surgeon, and she immediately gave me a really good burn cream! By the time my last week rolled around, I had a nice tan but no longer suffering from the red hot burn.  I am now done with radiation, and Nov. the 4th I will be meeting with my Oncologist to see what my next step in this journey is.

I am starting to feel stronger and trying to build my endurance and physical strength back up.  It is a slow and sometimes frustrating process, but pushing on I will always do.  So bring on the next step!!!

Once again I can not thank all of you for taking a moment to read this blog, for sending all your love and encouragement in each of your own special ways, and for helping with medical bills by donating money (my SWA family IS AWESOME!!).  I will tell you that having cancer has turned out to be an incredible blessing in my life.....you say WHAT????  Well, God has brought so many great people into my life that I would never have known if I didn't have to travel this road!  I have made some incredible new friends, and old friendships have become even closer....I AM A BLESSED LADY, and because of my Lord and your support and love, I push on!!!

I love you all,
Mary, Mary Ann, Marr, Marr Marr, Marr Bear.......I love all my little nicknames!!!

Strength

I have so many people tell me how I have touched there life in one way or another and my strength is incredible.  Their words NOT mine, but thank you!!  So, I need to tell you what has happened in my life, and tell you why I am strong.  There are 2 incredible ladies in my life that mean the world to me, they are my mother, Thelma (Timmie) Macht, and my sister Julia Buck (Macht).  I could tell you story after story about these 2 ladies, but I am only going to share with you one particular event. On August 21st I received a startling phone call from my sister, that Mom had fallen, she was at the hospital, and it was not looking very good.  Julie was struggling with how she was going to be able to handle everything!  I said I am on the next plane, I am coming to help (this is what we do in our family)!  Let me give you a bit of background here, my sister has been/is one of my biggest supporters and fans from the second I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She has been back and forth from Phoenix to Denver almost every other week, staying for days on end, to care for me both physically and mentally.  She did this while still keeping her home and family going.  She has 4 children, 1 still at home in high school, and very active in hockey, and a wonderful husband who wholeheartedly supported her being with me. She also was busy supporting our parents, and keeping them informed of all my stuff!  All the while my sister had a surgical procedure that limited her from lifting just a week before all of this had happened, and was trying to recover herself!  Who wouldn't wonder how she was going to do it all.  She ALREADY WAS doing it all PLUS!!

While I was flying to Denver our mom was taken into emergency brain surgery to stop the brain from bleeding, and to remove clots that were putting pressure on her brain.  My sister was busy making phone call after phone call and organizing everyone and everything, while sitting with Daddy (who has Alzheimer's).  Mom is the main caregiver.  My mom comes out of surgery and was put into ICU.  The doctor came out and told Julie all was good, considering, and she was given a sedative so she'd rest, and she wouldn't be awake when they saw her.  WRONG, mom was up and talking, trying to make everyone know she was ok!  I got in late that night and Julie and I stayed the night at Mom and Daddy's house due to the fact that dad might get confused if he woke up to me being there and not Julie, plus, now I was bald and we weren't sure if he would recognize me.  But the next morning, he did know me!  While I stayed with daddy, Julie was busy handling everything else, and Mom was busy bossing all of us around from ICU telling us what to do and how to do it!!  She even called me one morning from ICU to tell me what to do with daddy, and what to bring for him to the hospital......WHAT?  Hahahahaha!!  I threatened to have the phone disconnected if she didn't stop, and start resting!  She would also send the nurse to the waiting room, where we would set up camp so she could rest, to get us because she missed her family! Hahahahaha, Mom do you realize you just had brain surgery and need to rest?!

Mom was released from the hospital Monday August 26th, just 5 days later!  While mom was very exhausted and would sleep quiet a bit, it is amazing to see a woman in her 80s recovering the way she was, and still is!!  I had to head back home to Phoenix on Tuesday the 27th.  Julie moved in!  Mom, while having been released from the hospital, would need 24/7 care and monitoring, till she was released from the doctors.  Plus, due to the fact that she is the main care giver at the house due to daddy's Alzheimer's, (so the care was really for dad), and the monitoring was for mom. 

Mom was allowed to go back to "life as usual" Wed. Sept. 11, after having 56 staples removed from her head!  So now you know where my strength comes from.  Did I mention Julie is my baby sister?!!! Two of the most amazing women I know, and VERY PROUD that they are my family!  This is the reason I am strong, because of their example!

I will update you all very soon on my radiation adventures.  Thanks for taking the time to read, and for all of your support!  I tell the truth when I say, I love you all very much!

Surgery to Radiation

It has been a long time since I have written on this blog, and I feel it is way past time to update you all.  So since you have been asking, here I go.....

I had my first surgery Thursday, July 11th.  I was so excited about this day!  My thoughts were FINALLY, chemo is done.  I get to have that stupid port taken out, the "girls" are getting a makeover, and that blasted lump in my right breast will be taken out along with any cancerous lymph nodes (that started this whole party!!), and while I will hurt for a time, it is done!  That was my mind set.  So July 11th came, and a bunch of pre-op stuff was done before waiting in my little curtian walled waiting room before surgery.  My fantastic husband Rick was there, along with my sister Julie, and a good friend Shauna.  We were joking and laughing the whole time.  Even our doctors and anesthesiologist got into the joking around!  We were laughing so hard we were crying!!  Plus, it is amazing what you hear from the beds next to you.  People, those are only curtains are not real walls.  For goodness sake, WE CAN HEAR YOU, and YES we are laughing at you!  Hahahahahaha, then one of our "roommates" farted, and we just about came unglued with laughter!!!

Finally it was time to go back, and my "cocktail" was given to me....those are awesome!  In surgery they removed the lump from my right breast and 6 lymph nodes, removed my port system, and reconstructed both breasts so that I would not have one so disfigured, due to the amount of tissue they ended up having to take out.  I wake up several hours later in a fit of itching, and pain!  They had given me morphine and my body did not like it at all, so they gave me something else, along with Benadryl, then they decided, with my complete consent, that I would stay the night.  My sister stayed with me, on one of those "oh so comfortable" pull out chairs!  For that alone, I owe her a debt of gratitude!  The next morning I was ready to go home and got out of there around 1pm.  "Awe, my own bed", is what you'd think I would be saying and thinking, but I actually missed the hospital bed because of the adjustability.  Rick and Julie got me all settled, and propped on a bunch of pillows, and  gave me my pain pills.

By that Sunday I was feeling pretty good, stiff,and sore, but pretty good considering.  Monday I had my drain removed, and by Wednesday my sister had to fly back home.  She lives in Denver.  We still had not heard the final pathology report, so we were all thinking, no news is good news.  Yeah.  Don't ever think that when it comes to that bastard cancer!  I got a call late Wednesday evening from Dr. Liu's cell.  She told us the final pathology came back showing a total of 4 of the 6 lymph nodes taken out, showed micrometastases of 2 mm.  We all made the decision to do a total dissection of the lymph node under the right arm.  We wanted it all out!!  So my second surgery was set for Monday, July 22nd.  This news kicked me in the gut, and for the first time through my journey, I realized, I have cancer!!  I know what you all are thinking, but I am blond, bald, and have chemo brain!  That Monday came and it was not as fun and light hearted as it was the first time in the curtained waiting area.  I was scared this time, and so was my Rick.  Thank God that Shauna and my daughter Amber were able to be there for Rick in the other waiting room.  That knowledge was a big comfort to me.  My sister was not able to make it back for that fast turn around so it was great that they were there!!  The pain was rough that day and they even had trouble getting an IV in.  It hurt so bad, and I kept telling my sweet nurses I was sorry I was making it hard for them.  They ended up having to numb my wrist area to get a line in.  To make it even more challenging for them, I have very, very small veins.  I guess I am a high maintenance patient!  They were two great ladies and so very comforting.  This time I came through recovery much better and home I went.  By the time we got home, both my daughters, Ashley and Amber, were there with Rick and I to get me all settled.

So now I was to start the healing process all over again.  I had another drain, and a pain pump hanging out of my right side just under my armpit.  That was pretty, and comfortable let me tell you!!  This has been a tough healing time.  My left side is healed and only once in awhile is tender.  My right side, because of 2 surgeries to that side, and the amount of work that was done, is still a ways out, and it has now been 4 weeks since surgery.  I have what I call two armpits, it is a tendon that is pulled tight, and goes clear down to my wrist, causing me to have very limited mobility.  Plus due to the removal of all the lymph nodes I have a bunch of nerve pain to the back of my arm.  Sometimes it feel like a hot iron was put on the back of my arm.  I am in the process of doing some exercises so I can straighten my arm and elbow area completely out.  That has given me a deeper respect for people in physical therapy!  Those people are amazing!!

I saw my Radiologist, on Aug. 19th to start that part of my journey.  I will be doing 33 treatments of radiation, once a day for 5 days, for 33 treatments.  About 7 weeks total.  I hope to start that by the 28th of Aug. but, that will be determined if I can get my arm stretched out enough to get the arm above my head.  So for now, that is where the journey is at, and I thank you all for asking.  The concern and prayers of all of you have been awesome.  I am so overwhelmed by the love and generosity of all of you!!