One More Time

One more time, is what I keep saying, but not in that negative way, more like the way you would say about your favorite roller coaster, let's go "one more time!"  Think about it a minute, as scary and terrifying as the anticipation, the ride can be, you had a blast with every up and down and every twist and turn.  That is life in a nut shell, and you can choose to go through it, screaming and terrified, coming off it with the attitude of I hated it, I hate you, I hate everything, and now you owe me for making me go through it, or you can choose to take it second by second, and at the end say, well that wasn't so bad, bring it!  Then there is that person that just keeps riding and doesn't get off, that you then start to say, with less enthusiasm, oh goody one more time, really? I'll meet you later.  Of course cancer is a very serious thing, and it is very scary to think this thing could take your life, and change your life, but I ask you, WHAT the hell doesn't!!!  It is all a mind set, and it is the mind games that are the toughest to handle and work through.

I had my 4th, and hopefully last surgery Tuesday July 22nd.  And for some reason this one was scaring me me more than any of the others.  I could not put my finger on why, and the only one I truly admitted it to, until now, was Rick.  So for the week that I had to prepare for the surgery, I started the mind prep.  TV, movies, had to all be mindless, and funny, romantic, feel good kind of movies, no news, or drama. (insert stereotypical blond joke here, hahaha) Music had to groove and be up beat ready to dance to, cause I knew it would be awhile before I could dance after surgery.

 I keep struggling with the "one more time" part of my journey.  I keep looking at others who have had to go though what I have (at least that is the way I see it, from my view), and they seem fine.  Why am I still, after a year of chemo, still so weak!  I have the mind set of looking at books and judging them by their cover, and if the cover looks great, then the inside must be great.  God has shown me that not everything, in fact nothing, is as it appears.  No one but the individual themself really knows what is going inside.  In fact as I look at it, no one really knew what was going on in my mind until I tell them.  Know it is true, that those close to you may suspect something, but until you open up and let them know, it is all speculation, case and point, Dexter!

This time I didn't let many people know about my surgery, because the longer I continue on this journey, it makes me think/feel that people just want to scream, "ONE more time, really?"  It is the "really" part, that can mess up your mind.  Really, your still not back to work.  Really your sick again.  Really your tired again.  Really surgery again.  Really, Really Really......Even when that is not true, that is how you start to feel, the longer something continues.

Tuesday came, and off we went again. By the time we headed out I wasn't as scared.  I was more at peace, finding life funny again, and I was looking forward to that wonderful cocktail they give you before surgery! Surgery started about 2:15pm and Rick said I was in there about a little over an hour.  Recovery was where I seem to have issues.  I was there about 2 hours before they even let Rick back.  I was not wanting to wake up, and the pain was excruciating and they were having trouble getting it down lower than a 10.  Plus everything they gave me made me itch horribly all over.  Pain meds have a tendency to do that to me, so I think they should just pump wine into me!  It helps the pain, and I don't itch from it, problem solved! They were able to get the pain down to an 8, and the itching calmed with Benadryl, and I didn't have hives all over, like I did from Morphine at surgery number 1.  So I got them to let me go home, because they said they couldn't give me anymore pain meds.  They had loaded me up!  We got home about 7pm.  This has been a tough one to recover from.  I think some of it has to do with the fact that my body, and immune system has been fighting so long that it is just not able to do it as fast.

So here I am 9 days out of surgery. I have gone from a Mack Truck hitting me to, a bus, to a short bus with padding of course, to being just hit in the side with a baseball bat.  So see, I am improving!  I have even made it out of the house twice, one for a follow up visit with my plastic surgeon, and one to sit at my daughters house and tell her how to arrange her furniture for about 2 hours.  She asked, I did not just tell her what to do, hahahaha!

Providing nothing else goes south, knock on wood, this should be my last surgery.  The part I hate most about surgery, besides the pain, and reaction to pain meds, is not being able to be around my grandson.  No, he can not just come for a visit, because Grandma can not behave. I have trained him that I will hold him whenever he wants, and I can't, so I need to get better fast. I did get one supervised visit, meaning they were all watching for me to cheat.  I did get to have him sit on my lap with his blanky, and bottle.  He just loves that, and so does Gma.  That is the kind of One More Time I will take any day of the week, it will never get old!

Thanks again for all you watching out for me, caring, and praying for me ONE MORE TIME!  Think I'll go pour a glass of wine now.....

Xoxo
Mary

Not Where I Thought I'd Be

How often do we go through life saying that phrase?  I think very often, if not all the time!  And yet, maybe it is a way to get us to "where we thought we'd be"!  June 17, 2013 I finished my last chemo, and was heading into surgery with an attitude of BRING IT, I'VE GOT THIS, not knowing that the next phase in my journey was to teach me humility, and putting your pride aside, and let go, because God's got This!

Let's recap, June 17, 2013 I had my last chemo; July 17, 2013, first surgery, removing my lump, and a couple of Lymph nodes; July 22, 2013, second surgery, to remove all the Lymph nodes under my right arm, because the pathology came back showing cancerous cells in a total of 4 Lymph nodes, so out they all come.  The second surgery was very hard on me, I was not prepared properly mentally, and I was already in a lot of pain, and had drains all over, and still worn out from chemo, and now it hurt to dance!  I was also very scared, it took that long for the fact that I had cancer catch up to me.  So now I was finally catching up mentally to what all had happened SO FAST to me.  One day I was able to do everything, Mom, wife, house cleaner, pool girl, landscaper, Ops Agent extraordinaire, able to lift handicapped people, and push wheelchairs, help throw bags, and strollers onto an airplane, and keep people happy till I closed the aircraft door....I was strong, and better than I was at my prime!  Now I went to having a silent killer in me taunting me, and taking away ALOT, even if we were beating that bastard!

 The second surgery was tough right from the start, my veins have always been small and tough to get at, but with all the other that had happened they were dang near impossible to find, so the nurses had a VERY hard time finding a vein to put my IV in, and then hit nerves, that sent me through the roof! I remember starting to sob, and just continually apologizing for being a big baby!  My nurses were so sweet and kept saying that with all I had been through, I had every right. Not sure I agree, but that was my pride getting in the way.  They got a hold of my Dr. and after a pain killer, and a numbing shot to my wrist, I was able to catch my breath, and composure, and they were able to find a vein without killing me.  Wow, pain killers and then the great "cocktail" before surgery, yes I was flying high! It was here at this point that I realized, I don't got this (Yes, I know that is bad grammar!), but right there at my side was a man who loved me so much, and was willing to pick up all my pieces, and protect me any way that he could.  With tears coming down my face I said to him, "I am so scared", he said "I know, so am I, but we'll get through this".  It was then I knew I didn't always have to be the strong one, and there are people in my life I can trust to be the strong ones.  Humility is tough, you think it is going to make you look weak, when in fact it gives you more strength!  Sometimes it is also that subconsciously we do not trust that anyone can care for us like we can, so I am letting go, and learning to trust.  My husband, my girls, and as you have read in the past, my sister, are amazing people.  They protect me, and watch out for me sometimes to a fault, but I love them.

Remembering those days helps me keep my perspective of what is going on in my life now.  I have been doing, and completed Neuropathy therapy, two days a week since last February 2014. I was also doing Lymphedema physical therapy two, sometimes three days a week.  Plus I still see my Dr. and Surgeons once a month, sometimes more, and I have 3 of those!  I had a third surgery last March 25, 2014, and it was so much easier, still painful, but NOTHING like the first two.  This one I was able to get out of the house for dinner just three days later, not six weeks later, and I was able to drive, but my lifting of course was very restricted for six weeks.

So here I am a year and a half after being diagnosed, and going through treatment, and realizing my life has changed drastically and I am still working on my mind set.  I get tired and worn out  easily, I have had the flu five times since January. I never get the flu!  I have damage to joints and muscles from the chemo, radiation, and the meds I have to take.  I have a problem with my hip that sometimes makes it hard to walk, and stand, that one we are still trying to figure out, but it started just before chemo ended.  My upper body strength is not even close to what it used to be, and I am starting to get used to the fact that some of the 20 lbs I have put on through this is probably going to stay, so now I am trying to figure out how to at least tone it!

I am still not able to go back to work, and I will be having another surgery in August, but I am adjusting to enjoying life right where I am, and to be happy, and find joy in the most unusual of places.  I don't look at people with handicap stickers anymore and say, you look fine what is your problem.  I look fine, but people don't see what is wrong inside my shell.  I even had to ask for a pre-board on a flight I bought last December, and I know by the way the Gate Agent looked at me in Baltimore, they thought I was lying. Oh well, they don't know, but I do, so now, I have no right to make a judgement call on others either!  You can never judge a book by it's cover.  Oh yes, I still do sometimes, and then catch myself and say, "Really, dumb ass, you are going to do that?!"

I have been reading a book called God Never Blinks, by Regina Brett, my sister Julie gave it to me.  It is a book you don't have to read straight through, you can read a chapter put it down and come back to it.  I call it a pondering book, because I read a chapter or two, and ponder it, then read more. It has helped me to keep things in perspective.  They are 50 life lessons, and one of them I like is, "Life Isn't Fair, but It's Still Good", and "Don't Compare Your Life to Others', You have No Idea What Their Journey Is All About".  Those are only a couple of the great chapters in this book.  It is a GREAT book, read it if you get a second, and best of all, it's not preachy, it's just real.

So the I have come to learn how humility is such a strong word, and it is a trait that doesn't make you weak, it makes you approachable, and transparent.  Pride for me is still a battle, but I am learning, and it is ok if I can't do it all alone, or just can't.  I have people in my life that can, and it makes us all stronger!  So as I said in the beginning, this is not where I thought I'd be, and yet it is.  It is a better place than I could have every dreamed of.  And I am seeing some of my dreams come true!  Except for the one about flying the Concord from San Francisco to Paris, that dream was taken away, dang them!

Thanks for continuing to follow me on this journey.  Hopefully one day, I will be able to say, there is nothing left to write, for this journey!  Thank you God for always guiding, even when I kick and pull at the reigns!

Love you all,
Mary