Not Where I Thought I'd Be

How often do we go through life saying that phrase?  I think very often, if not all the time!  And yet, maybe it is a way to get us to "where we thought we'd be"!  June 17, 2013 I finished my last chemo, and was heading into surgery with an attitude of BRING IT, I'VE GOT THIS, not knowing that the next phase in my journey was to teach me humility, and putting your pride aside, and let go, because God's got This!

Let's recap, June 17, 2013 I had my last chemo; July 17, 2013, first surgery, removing my lump, and a couple of Lymph nodes; July 22, 2013, second surgery, to remove all the Lymph nodes under my right arm, because the pathology came back showing cancerous cells in a total of 4 Lymph nodes, so out they all come.  The second surgery was very hard on me, I was not prepared properly mentally, and I was already in a lot of pain, and had drains all over, and still worn out from chemo, and now it hurt to dance!  I was also very scared, it took that long for the fact that I had cancer catch up to me.  So now I was finally catching up mentally to what all had happened SO FAST to me.  One day I was able to do everything, Mom, wife, house cleaner, pool girl, landscaper, Ops Agent extraordinaire, able to lift handicapped people, and push wheelchairs, help throw bags, and strollers onto an airplane, and keep people happy till I closed the aircraft door....I was strong, and better than I was at my prime!  Now I went to having a silent killer in me taunting me, and taking away ALOT, even if we were beating that bastard!

 The second surgery was tough right from the start, my veins have always been small and tough to get at, but with all the other that had happened they were dang near impossible to find, so the nurses had a VERY hard time finding a vein to put my IV in, and then hit nerves, that sent me through the roof! I remember starting to sob, and just continually apologizing for being a big baby!  My nurses were so sweet and kept saying that with all I had been through, I had every right. Not sure I agree, but that was my pride getting in the way.  They got a hold of my Dr. and after a pain killer, and a numbing shot to my wrist, I was able to catch my breath, and composure, and they were able to find a vein without killing me.  Wow, pain killers and then the great "cocktail" before surgery, yes I was flying high! It was here at this point that I realized, I don't got this (Yes, I know that is bad grammar!), but right there at my side was a man who loved me so much, and was willing to pick up all my pieces, and protect me any way that he could.  With tears coming down my face I said to him, "I am so scared", he said "I know, so am I, but we'll get through this".  It was then I knew I didn't always have to be the strong one, and there are people in my life I can trust to be the strong ones.  Humility is tough, you think it is going to make you look weak, when in fact it gives you more strength!  Sometimes it is also that subconsciously we do not trust that anyone can care for us like we can, so I am letting go, and learning to trust.  My husband, my girls, and as you have read in the past, my sister, are amazing people.  They protect me, and watch out for me sometimes to a fault, but I love them.

Remembering those days helps me keep my perspective of what is going on in my life now.  I have been doing, and completed Neuropathy therapy, two days a week since last February 2014. I was also doing Lymphedema physical therapy two, sometimes three days a week.  Plus I still see my Dr. and Surgeons once a month, sometimes more, and I have 3 of those!  I had a third surgery last March 25, 2014, and it was so much easier, still painful, but NOTHING like the first two.  This one I was able to get out of the house for dinner just three days later, not six weeks later, and I was able to drive, but my lifting of course was very restricted for six weeks.

So here I am a year and a half after being diagnosed, and going through treatment, and realizing my life has changed drastically and I am still working on my mind set.  I get tired and worn out  easily, I have had the flu five times since January. I never get the flu!  I have damage to joints and muscles from the chemo, radiation, and the meds I have to take.  I have a problem with my hip that sometimes makes it hard to walk, and stand, that one we are still trying to figure out, but it started just before chemo ended.  My upper body strength is not even close to what it used to be, and I am starting to get used to the fact that some of the 20 lbs I have put on through this is probably going to stay, so now I am trying to figure out how to at least tone it!

I am still not able to go back to work, and I will be having another surgery in August, but I am adjusting to enjoying life right where I am, and to be happy, and find joy in the most unusual of places.  I don't look at people with handicap stickers anymore and say, you look fine what is your problem.  I look fine, but people don't see what is wrong inside my shell.  I even had to ask for a pre-board on a flight I bought last December, and I know by the way the Gate Agent looked at me in Baltimore, they thought I was lying. Oh well, they don't know, but I do, so now, I have no right to make a judgement call on others either!  You can never judge a book by it's cover.  Oh yes, I still do sometimes, and then catch myself and say, "Really, dumb ass, you are going to do that?!"

I have been reading a book called God Never Blinks, by Regina Brett, my sister Julie gave it to me.  It is a book you don't have to read straight through, you can read a chapter put it down and come back to it.  I call it a pondering book, because I read a chapter or two, and ponder it, then read more. It has helped me to keep things in perspective.  They are 50 life lessons, and one of them I like is, "Life Isn't Fair, but It's Still Good", and "Don't Compare Your Life to Others', You have No Idea What Their Journey Is All About".  Those are only a couple of the great chapters in this book.  It is a GREAT book, read it if you get a second, and best of all, it's not preachy, it's just real.

So the I have come to learn how humility is such a strong word, and it is a trait that doesn't make you weak, it makes you approachable, and transparent.  Pride for me is still a battle, but I am learning, and it is ok if I can't do it all alone, or just can't.  I have people in my life that can, and it makes us all stronger!  So as I said in the beginning, this is not where I thought I'd be, and yet it is.  It is a better place than I could have every dreamed of.  And I am seeing some of my dreams come true!  Except for the one about flying the Concord from San Francisco to Paris, that dream was taken away, dang them!

Thanks for continuing to follow me on this journey.  Hopefully one day, I will be able to say, there is nothing left to write, for this journey!  Thank you God for always guiding, even when I kick and pull at the reigns!

Love you all,
Mary